Arrested Redevelopment.

Well, the system works, whether you like it or not.

Up until 13 days ago (I'm being precise because i'd have had to pay double if the fine wasn't paid today) I was completely off the criminal radar. I think the policeman of this country, in the main, do a remarkable job under the circumstances. In fact, the only time i had ever felt the icy fingers of the long arm of the law was when i was 16 and i got pulled over by the police after fleeing the scene of a impromptu 4am football match in the grounds of a primary school. That time ended in my favour- They took my name and address. I gave them both falsely. They radioed it in. I folded and pleaded for freedom. After my terribly suspect act, they made me empty my pockets on a low wall and found what they thought was contraband. Unfortunately, the policeman involved that time didn't heed my warning not to open the scrumpled bit of tissue he had found in my jeans and, instead of uncovering whatever drugs he was looking for when he unpicked the scrunched up bog roll with his fingers, he found a screwed up, recently used condom which had been hastily stuffed in my pocket after my friend was banging on his mums bedroom door wondering why i had locked it behind me and my then girlfriend. Anyway, the policeman looked at me with utter disgust, looked down at his hands in complete disarray and sent me on my way so, to date, it's been; Me 1 v The Old Bill 0
But now the scores have changed in their favour.

I organise Christmas lighting schemes for a living. If you live anywhere in London or the South, I've probably sorted out your towns lights. If they're shit, that's not my work. Well, I was in a large town in the South West of the country nearly two weeks ago when my first unnescessary incarcaration took place. I was with a local electrician and, perhaps stupidly, parked my car next to his in a pedestrianised area (It was the middle of the high street, in fairness) and got out to measure the span of a road with a view to putting a cross street decoration in. I was but 150m and a minutes walk away from my car when my electrician companion noticed a traffic warden in his bright yellow jacket overlooking my car. I dropped my measuring equipment and sprinted like fuck through the crowded street towards him. As I got closer I pulled the key from my pocket and pressed its button to open it. The car bleeped and the lights flashed. The startled warden looked around to see where the owner was coming from and saw the sight of me, dishevelled and running like a man possessed towards him. This bought me vital seconds before he could plant the ticket on my window. I saw him turn back around to concerntrate on his machine. It was now Me Vs Him in a race to see who could get the job in hand done quickest. I reached the car , pulled open the door before he had placed the ticket on the window and went to jump inside. I had won!
"You shouldn't be parked here. You've got a ticket now." he said without looking up.
"But you haven't placed the ticket on the window yet. I'm off!" I said in distain and defiance, whilst just about to shut the door behind me.
"Doesn't matter!" he replied, in his west country drawl "That law finished in March. I've issued the ticket now!"
I didn't doubt him for a minute. Although i like the police, I have no time for traffic wardens but despite this i could tell he wasn't lying.
"Ah for fucks sake! I was only gone for a minute."
"I know. I watched you park up."
"But I'm doing a job for the council. I'm contracted to put the Christmas lights in and was just measuring up."
"The Christmas lights? Oh right! Me and my family love the Christmas lights here! I can't wait for Christmas it's the only time people in this town are nice to eachother."
Thinking I had chanced upon a fellow yuletide spirit I exclaimed; "Exactly! I'm just providing a service for the community, so you don't have to give me a ticket then."
"I've printed it out now so no can do and besides, see that camera there? *points up at a cctv camera*. The town surveillance have seen you park up and told me to give you a ticket."
"What?" I said, "That fucking camera up there?" and with that i nonchantly raised my arm and stuck two fingers up at it and waved with the other hand whilst smiling and saying "Absolute fucking wankers!"
"Yep, that one." He smiled and replied. I realised it was pointless from that moment forth and stuck around to accept my penance. Seeing as I already had a parking fine, i told the warden I was leaving my car where it was so i could carry on with the job in hand. There was no point in making a scene so i stood and listened to the warden telling me how much he loved Christmas as he finished printing out the ticket and placed it on my windscreen. The electrician had walked back by this point and knew the warden. They chatted amongst themselves whilst i pulled the small yellow ticket bag from the glass and read the bad news within. Half a minute later, a police car sped around the corner and pulled up next to me. Two police officers stepped out and walked towards me. I turned to face them.
"Excuse me, Sir. I'm arresting you under Section 5 of the Public Order Act."
What? What are you talking about? I've already got a ticket!"
"No, we're arresting you for swearing at that camera."
"Eh? I only stuck my fingers up quickly in anger. I was only messing!"
"Well that constitutes anti social behaviour and you're going to have to come with us."
"Is this a joke?" I pleaded desperately, "I'm only here to get the Christmas lights sorted!"
"Oh the Christmas lights" said the silent policeman "What we having this year?"
"Nothing by the way this is turning out." I responded sarcastically.
Both coppers smirked before the first one went back into official mode.
"You're gonna have to come back with us, i'm afraid. We've been told to bring you back to the station."
"Nah, y-you've got to be fucking kidding me!" I stuttered in disbelief before repeating pathetically "I was only messing around."
"Don't swear! You're gonna have to come with us, I'm afraid. Orders come direct from the station. Can you get in the back of the car quietly?"
"You're afraid! I've got another appointment this afternoon!"
I realised arguing beyond this point was fruitless. These bastards were now claiming the only path out of this mess headed in the direction of the police station, so i stepped towards the car. They didn't handcuff me but the quiet copper opened the door and went to put his hand on my head to guide me in. I stood up straight and turned to him and smiled;
"I'm fine. I don't know about you, but I usually manage to sit down without smacking my skull against something, thank you very much." My gaze then caught the wardens;
"This is your fault, you fucking vulture! I hope you have the shittest Christmas ever!"
I then stooped my head and sat in the car, where I was immediately faced with the level of immaturity within my insult. From that moment onwards i was polite and cordial with the police officers in the hope that i would just be let off at the station with a warning. I wasn't. I had to sit in a cell and wait nigh on two hours before collecting an £80 fine for anti social behaviour. When I left the station and returned to my car, after phoning my boss and sheepishly explaining what had happened, I couldn't help but think that sticking two fingers up at a camera was, without doubt, the gayest reason i had ever heard someone getting arrested for.........until saturday night that was.

To be continued on account of the fact that I have to be up early to sell more fucking Christmas lights.