Don't Make Friends At Festivals.

At Reading Festival 2006, I had been split up with my longterm girlfriend for little over a month when i saw her walking around arm in arm with some other prick. In fact, we weren't really split up properly, just going through the motions like we always did. The festival is always a drink and drug fuelled time but seeing that put me on a downwards spiral of misery, which resulted in me eating a shitload of magic mushrooms in a desperate attempt and remove my mind from this planet. The problem was that you should only partake in mushrooms if you're feeling on top of your game, so doing them when you've just had your heart ripped in two is a really fucking stupid idea. About half an hour later they started to kick in and, rather than being elevated to a higher stream of consciousness as planned, i was struck down by an overwhelming urge to start booing. I literally couldn't stop myself as the tears began to flow and was surrounded by a group of mates who didn't have a fucking clue what to do. After about 10 minutes it became ridiculous! I was aware i was crying but couldn't do a thing to stop myself, so i just tried to carry on what i was doing by watching bands and drinking. I was laughing and chatting with my mates one minute, but the very next i would burst into a bigfit of uncontrollable, childlike "Boo hoo hoos!" I, literally, just could not stop myself from crying as the mushrooms riddled my mind. I can't remember who we were watching but i was stood up drinking my beer and noticed that there was an exclusion zone of about 5 metres either side of me as all these people were staring at the weirdo tripping his nuts off, crying his heart out but continuing to watch the band. Eventually this woman came up to me. She must have been about 30 and she had these orange ball light things on two bits of string that she was swinging around her head. You know, those hippy fucks who bring circus equipment to a festival in a lame attempt at making themselves look zany? Well she was one of them. She started asking me if i was alright and i explained that i was having a bad mushroom trip rather than saying i had just had my heart ripped out and shat on. She started acting all motherly to me and gave me a hug and asked if i wanted to get out of there. I said i did and we went for a wander, with me still crying a bit behind a large pair of sunglasses. As we were walking she started spinning her stupid orange glow balls again and in my hallucinating state, I became transfixed by them and finally stopped booing. If you've ever done mushrooms before you'll know that the simplest thing can alter your mood, such as a song or someone telling a ridiculous joke can set you off in an unstoppable laughter fit. Well the sight of this hippy spinning her stupid orange balls made me forget i ever had a whore of a girlfriend and i started laughing and joking with her, pronouncing her as the saviour of my weekend.We went back to my tent and were sat outside drinking and laughing. She was still doing some poncey trick with the orange balls that i couldn't stop looking at when she said; "Do you want to go in there?" whilst nodding at my tent. "Nah, you're alright" i said, "I've just split up with my girlfriend and i'm not really up for it". The truth was, I wasn't but i had taken so many bits and pieces in the last 24 hours that i was worried that i wouldn't be able to do anything anyway. Not to mention the fact that this women was clearly a bit of a hippy and only God and her would have known the last time she had a wash."Right then, i'm gonna go" she said as she stopped spinning the balls and let them fall to her feet."What, what do you mean? I said back feebly. The very thought of this woman and her life giving orange glowing balls deserting me filled me with dread. I'd be sat alone in the dark and surely the tears would return. It was a delicate balance and i couldn't let my shattered libido upset that. "No, don't go!" I said "I've changed my mind. Let's do it!" and i sheepishly made my way into the tent, followed by her. We were soon getting down to the nitty gritty in the cold damp August night. I was still spinning out from the mushrooms. When i kept my eyes open, her features became distorted and even more scary than normal. When i shut my eyes, my ears became more sensitive than ever and my ears played tricks on me. "Did you hear that? I think someones planning on burning down my tent!" "Don't be ridiculous!" She quite rightly said, "there's no one out there!" "No, I better go and check! I definitely heard someone planning to burn down my tent!"This is where things took a turn for the worse. As i sat upright and made my way to look out the zipped door, she pushed me back and pinned me down; "Stop being silly! You're imagining things. There's no one out there!", she said forcifully as she sat on top of me. She then started getting extra aggressive. I'm not sure if she thought she was being sexy and assertive, but she began ripping and scratching at my back as we were kissing."Aaargh!!" i screamed as her nails tore down my back."You like that, don't you!" she told me."No, i really don't. That fucking hurt"My protestations of pain only seemed to spur her on as she continued to rip away at my back, bite me and rut away at me with increased ferocity. I'm up for trying new things but after about 5 minutes of this I had finally had enough. "OK, please stop. That really hurts and i feel a bit ill and very tired. Can we just go to sleep?""Err, OK" she said dejectedly. As soon as she said it turned my aching back to her and hoped that she would take this as her cue to leave. She didn't and i spent the next half an hour pretending to be asleep but all the while listening to her rummaging and fidgetting around my tiny tent. With my back on fire and my head swimminng with all manner of substances it was a struggle to get to sleep but i finally got there.I woke up in the halflight. I couldn't feel the crazy woman next to me so assumed that she had gone. "Hey, are you awake?", I looked up quickly and saw her sat at the end of the tent by the door. She was wearing my clothes from the day before. All of them. I sat bolt upright and looked at this mentalist wearing my jeans, t-shirt, jacket and trainers, all clearly a few sizes to big for her. "What...what are you doing?" I mumbled."You be me and i'll be you!" she said with a psychotic grin on her face as she threw her bra at me. So what had started with some light masochistic sex had now turned into a full blown role reversal situation and there could be only one loser- me! I was more than a bit scared now and my mind was buzzing with ideas of how i could get out of this messed up situation. "Um, OK" I mumbled, "I just need to go to the toilet, but i'll be back in a moment". This was the best idea my tired mind could come up with. I was running away from my own tent. Genius! I pulled on some shorts and a grass stained t-shirt from the day before last. "I'm gonna need those, but you can have them back in a minute" I said, nodding at my trainers."OK, don't be long" she smiled with this evil grin. Her face looked creased and grey in the halflight of the morning.I half pulled on my trainers and made i run for it. I didn't know where i was going but anywhere would be better than there. I thought about just diving in a friends tent but that would be far too obvious. She'd no doubt track me down and i'd be stuck with her for the rest of the weekend. I briskly walked towards the river when i realsied i had left my phone and my wallet in the tent. A small price to pay for freedom, i reconciled. I got to the river and sat on a bench. My back stang as i leant against the wooden board. I took my white grassed stained t shirt off and looked at the back of it. It was streaked with blood and looked like a had been in a fight with a bear. I looked at my watch. it was 5.30 in the morning. I knew i'd have to stay away from the tent for a while, perhaps a couple of hours or so before Glenn Close got the message that i wasn't returning, so i lay down on the bench and tried to sleep. I awoke again at about 8 o'clock. My head was pounding and i had an almighty thirst on me. It was getting warm already and sat on the bench looking at the serene river scene before me, too scared to return to my tent and the mentalist nodoubtably still inside, my thoughts turned to my ex and how my first sexual encounter with another woman in ages had quickly turned into an absolute horror show. Would things always be this shitty? Probably. At about 9.30am, after blagging fags and water off as many people as walked past i made my way back to the tent. I approached from the side so as not to be seen if she was still hanging around. Thankfully, she wasn't. I dived inside of my tent and immediately looked for my wallet and phone. They were both there and no money had been stolen. I looked at my phone and noticed that she had left me a message; Really enjoyed meeting you. Give me a call if you want to meet up again xx and her name, whatever it was. Needless to say, I didn't call her ever again. I can't recall her name now but that's not a problem as the scars to my back are a more poignant reminder to that horrible, sexy night than any name could ever be. Anyway, later on that morning i had a laugh and a joke sharing the torrid tale and presenting my gruesome injuries to my friends when i saw them, without letting on how much it freaked me out. I did, however, bump into my ex girlfriend again amongst the 60,000 throng of people. I drunkenly confronted her and she said the bloke she was with was just someone she worked with. I called her a lying whore. He pushed me. I headbutted him. It turns out they did work together afterall.