One Night Bland

I don't entirely remember how I got back to this girls house. I just seemed to come to with a can of lager in my hand and a cigarette in my mouth, sat on her sofa whilst she was messing about with something in her kitchen. I remember the sensation of shear bewilderment as I looked around the room wondering how the devil I had got there. When the answer failed to come from my frazzled mind I decided to shut it down completely and just went with the flow. She then led me upstairs and it was on that journey up that single flight that i realised just how smashed I was. So did she.
As we were laying down and kissing on her bed she turned to me and said; "Have you got any protection?" and I thought it'd be funny to act all naive/ignorant by replying, "Protection?!?! What do you mean, like a baseball bat or a hammer? No, I know this areas rough but I've left them at home!" Well that little doozie didn't go down half as well as you'd think but i managed to pul the situation back around.
Through much drunken fumbling, we both removed her clothes and I was immediately struck by how big her boobs were. I mean, they were massive! Distractingly big and fairly far from attractive; like saddle bags packed for a horseride across Death Valley. This just wouldn't do, I couldn't concerntrate and after a day of heavy drinking and all that goes with it, I was going to need the concerntration of Garry Kasparov to get me though this. I looked across the room with an open eye whilst i was kissing her and saw a Reading shirt hung on the wall as part of a mini football shrine. 'Well at least we have something in common' I thought, something I'd probably failed to check up on before I decided to make coitus with her. I stopped the kissing and said "Oh you like Reading! Me too! I fucking love Reading! Do you go to any of the games?" A converstaion about Berkshires finest ensued before I suggested "Why don't you put that shirt on? I think you'd look really sexy in it!" She dutifully obliged, God bless her, and pulled the tight top over her fun bags and took them out of the equation. The saga then continued but it was to no avail-I couldn't, for the life of me, sustain an erection and folding it in wasn't convincing anyone. I don't know whether it was the drink or the drugs or the fact that this girl was practically now dressed as a man that was the problem, Hell, it could have even been because I just didn't fancy her very much, but my mouth was writing cheques my penis couldn't cash. I was completely dead from the waist down and not even the most experienced of fluffers would have been able to do a thing about it. My phone rang, I answered it and it was my friend wondering where I was. I didn't know. "Where am I?" I turned and said to the girl. "On Thurston Court" she replied and I told my friend. "Fuck, that's only 10 minutes from my house" my mate replied. This was the extraction call I so desperately needed. I had a window of ooportunity to get the fuck out and you can be sure that I wasn't going to miss it, so I made an excuse that my friend had gotten into trouble, pulled on my clothes, kissed her goodbye, robbed some beer from her fridge and hot stepped it out of her house and into the night.