It's Not Big And It's Not Clever!

I swore at a midget today. I'm not proud of it, but he just wouldn't leave me alone and I was very busy. I'm not exactly sure of the correct terminology, but he was definitely more midget than dwarf. He didn't have the oversized head and stumpy body of a dwarf. Instead he was all in proportion, just much much smaller; definitely under 4ft, I'd say. I guess he was about 30 and I think he must have been a little tapped. It happened like this, I was in a town centre this morning, at about 7.30am, overseeing the installation of some Christmas lights in a load of the trees on the main shopping street. I was having a fag and the first coffee of the morning whilst talking to the boss of the installation team about what needed to be done when this little midget wearing a blue shellsuit pops up from behind the van and stands next to us, with his back arched and his neck craned as far as it would go to enable him to see up into the tree.
"It's a bit early to be putting up Christmas lights, innit?" He said with a deeper voice than I would have given him credit for. Now I get that question from people with nothing to better to do all the time.
"No, we're just putting them in now so they'll be ready for Christmas."
"Oh right. So you're not going to be leaving them on now then?"
"No. As soon as they're in we'll turn them off. We just have to have them on so we can see where to put them and if they are working."
"But they're quite nice and pretty. I think you should leave them on."
"I'm afraid we can't. People would complain."
"Well i wouldn't. I think they look magical".
By this time I had sussed that he wasn't all there. He was either one of Santas Elves with an unhealthy fascination with all things Christmassy or he was just a little bit touched in the brain. I was doing my best to be patient with him but I was tired and had things to do. He continued.
"Can I have a go in your crane? I'd like to go up into the tree."
"I'm afraid not, mate. It's against health and safety and I'd get in trouble if you fell out." He probably would have fallen out too because the rail on the bucket would have come up past his head. If this guy was at Disneyland, he'd struggle to get on the Flying Elephants, such was his diminutive size.
"Oh go on! There's no one around and I won't tell a soul."
"I'm sure you won't, but I can't take the risk. Sorry mate!"
"Aw go onnnn!"
The installer i was with, a big northern blokes bloke, walked away at this point, saying "I'll leave this one to you, Paul".
"Oh go on, mate! Just a quick go. Just up and down quickly." The midget continued.
Part of me wanted to let him have a go. The poor little blighter obviously wasn't used to heights and on the scale of things this would have been like him looking down from the Eiffel Tower, but i couldn't as the installers would never agree to it anyway.
"I really can't, mate. I'm sorry. I've got stuff to be getting on with so take it easy."
And with that i walked away and pretended to be getting on with something in the hope that he'd disappear as quickly as he had arrived. But he didn't. The little bugger followed me and asked again.
"Oh please mate! Pretty please!"
"Look I really can't, so there's no point in you asking".
Not only did this guy look like a child but he then started to act like one; "I don't care. I'll just stay around here until you give in." the feisty little bugger said.
"Do what you want, mate, but I can't let you up in there." I replied wearily in the hope that he'd take the hint. He didn't and he continued his line of questioning and shadowed me around for a good 5 minutes. I tried walking away and I tried ignoring him but he just found new ways to get in the way, either by playing with the christmas lights on the floor or just pluging away with his quest. Parts of it was funny but by the end of it I was well and truly hacked off and I'm sure he noticed.
"Can I have a go on the crane now?"
"Look mate, I've got work to do. Why don't you just fuck off!" I said in more exasperation than anger.
"I'll fuck off if you let me have a go in the crane."
I turned to the installer who was laughing his head off with one of his workers; "Gary! Can you please give this fella a go in the bucket? He's driving me mad!"
Gary looked around to see if there was anyone about. There wasn't, except a few delivery vans at the other end of the street; "Hmmm, alright then" he replied in his thick Northern brogue as he lowered the cherry picker down to street level.
"YESS!!!" exclaimed the little guy as he fisted the air in delight.
My heart sank for him then and I felt terrible for telling him to fuck off. He ran over to the bucket as the other installer clamboured out to make room. He hauled himself into it, barely having to duck under the safety rail and stood proudly with his head just poking out the top of the bucket, with his hands tightly grasping the metal rail. Gary asked him if he was ready and he simply replied with a hearty "Yep!" before the metal neck of the machine began to rise. It rose up steadily into the tree tops and from my position leant against my car I could see the massive smile on his tiny face. It was a bigger smile than I've ever managed and he looked like the happiest person thats ever lived. Happier than I could ever be. I envied him.
When he got to the top he made a few excitable "WOW!" like comments about the view and the lights in the tree. It was a touching moment. Gary then told him that we had work to be getting on with and other than voicing a faux "Oohhh!" of disappointment, he was as good as gold. He thanked Gary and shook hands with him as he jumped out of the bucket and then came over to me with his little arm outstretched;
"Cheers mate. That was great!" he said with that huge smile still imprinted on his face.
"Glad you enjoyed it!" I replied, whilst shaking his tiny palm. It looked like he had completely forgotten me telling him to "Fuck Off!" but I hadn't. "Sorry about before. I didn't mean to be rude. I'm always grumpy in the morning."
"No problem, mate. No problem. That's made me day". By the looks of it, it had made his whole year.
"Here do you want some keyrings?" I said. I've got a boot full of promotional shite and it's so crap that I never bother giving it to anyone.
"Yes please!" he replied politely but excitedly.
I reached into the boot and gave him a handful of light up pens and these little crappy light projecting keyrings. His face lit up again like a child on Christmas morning when I showed them how they worked. "Thanks, mate!" he exclaimed. Then he waved good bye to the lads back up in the tree and said goodbye to me and was on his merry way again. I watched him walk down the high street for a bit and I'm not sure if he had a gammy leg or not, but I could swear he was skipping. Actually, it was probably a limp, but I'd like to think he was skipping.