Shockbuster Video

I made a porno once. I'd love to tell you it was tastefully shot and ended up looking like a piece of erotic art, but I cannot and that is mainly because it was recorded on one of these things: http://tiny.cc/tTRMj
If you haven't seen one of these before, it's a cheapo karaoke toy which plugs into your video recorder and then sits on top of your TV. You then press a few buttons and, hey presto, before you know it your mug is being hazily relayed back to you on the box as you belt along to your favourite pop tunes done in a casio keyboard stylee. And because it's all plugged through your video recorder you get to tape the whole lot on VHS. What a great idea and what a fantastic kids toy to facilitate an innocent nights evening of karaoke it is. Only a complete monster would watch a family happily playing with it on Christmas Day after a few drinks and immediately think how it could be put to use to serve ones seedy sexual desires but, regrettably, that monster is me.
I spent the evening of Chrismas 1999 with my girlfriend at the time and her family. Her younger sister had got one of these gadgets and it seemed quite technologically advanced for a home karaoke machine back in those dark, pre-millenium days but, in truth, the picture was grainy and shit and the music, despite playing many of the hot pop numbers of the time, sounded like it was being played out by a flid on his My First keyboard. As her family got drunker and more raucous whilst singing along and laughing hystericaly at their own played back musical ineptitude, I sat quietly, sipping a snowball in the corner, plotting how i would sieze control of the toy and put it to good use to film my sexy movie. And two days later I got my chance.
Her family had gone out for the day to visit some relatives before the New Year. I saw my window of opportunity and I took it. My ex-girlfriend, God Rest Her Soul, was always up for trying new ideas as long as no one (her) got hurt. When i pitched the idea for my movie to her, like a seasoned Hollywood producer, she was at first disgusted by the suggestion to use her younger sisters Christmas present as a means of recording our lovemaking, but after a few hours or so of gently, but solidly, grinding her down she reluctantly agreed. So i immediately got to work before she could renege on the deal by setting up the machine in her bedroom and concerntrated on getting the lighting conditions just right. The quality of the recording on this thing was as grainy as a chickens lunchbox, so if the light wasn't right the picture would be impossible to make out and my movie would be ruined. This was not helped by the fact that the only video i could lay my hands on looked about ten years old and had 'KEIRONS MUSIC VIDEO: DO NOT RECORD OVER' writen on it over the tattered label. "Ah well!" I thought, "Needs must!" before pushing it into the video recorder and turning down the telly so as not to be distracted by the annoying karaoke music that would blare out. I was ready, practically, so I shouted to my girlfriend and she dutifully came in wearing something slinky. Action! Knowing I was in front of the camera (no matter how crap it was) made me pull out all my best moves and tricks. All was going swimmingly until something put me off my stride. I looked over to the camera and could see the songs words being flashed across the bottom of the screen. They were the words of a classic Back Street Boys song which seemed overly apt at the time. I looked at the picture and saw how ridiculous we both looked shagging along as the lyrics scrolled along the bottom and was struck with a near uncontrollable urge to burst out laughing. Not wanting to spoil the mood or the film, i did my best to stifle these giggles and continued rutting away in my best porno manner. And then a Christina Aguilera song popped on and I could contain myself no more. I burst out laughing and my girlfriend immediately pushed me off her and made for the door. I hastily explained why I was laughing and she eventually saw the funny side and we continued with the shoot.
With both us and the film finished and with all the desired shots in the can, I switched the machine off, though not before rewinding the tape and having a little giggle at our own expense as our pastey, entwined bodies seemed to move in time with the very cheesiest of lyrics, and then took the tape from the video and placed it in her underwear drawer and forgot about it.
That was right up until her little brother Keiron came looking for his music video tape, turned the whole house upside down trying to find it, eventually located it in his sisters drawer, before sitting down to watch it thinking it was his favourite MTV videos, only to see me riding his sister soundtracked by the beautifully fitting Bosa Nova tones of Aguileras Come On Over and Backstreet Boys, I Want It That Way.
Next time, if i can trick anyone into a sequal, I think I'll invest in a camcorder.